


My Hands Are Holding You

by JustAPassingGlance



Series: Your Words Into Mine (Prompted Works) [14]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Coming Out, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 09:49:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3524708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAPassingGlance/pseuds/JustAPassingGlance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine’s in the 4th or 5th grade when his family moves. He’s naturally friendly, but acts inhibited because he feels scared about realizing he is gay. His teacher assigns Sebastian to be his desk buddy, and they become friends. Sebastian is a ‘cool kid’ but also fears he may be gay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Hands Are Holding You

**Author's Note:**

> For my lovely prompting anon. Finally.

On the 7th of October, with his boxes still only half unpacked from the move, Blaine had transferred into Ms. Ramsay’s fifth grade class. Immediately, the boy whose desk was across from his, Sebastian Smythe, was charged with the task of making sure Blaine was adjusting to his new school. It was a task that Sebastian hadn’t looked particularly thrilled with, but he managed good-naturedly enough, practically dragging Blaine by the hand around the school with an enthusiasm and bravado that could only be managed by young boys.

After a week and a half Sebastian imperiously proclaimed that he and Blaine would be best friends, since his last best friend had moved to Colorado and he had been in the market for a new one.

Despite being Sebastian’s friend, the other kids at school did not warm to Blaine. The fault wasn’t entirely theirs, he couldn’t help but be reserved around them. Whatever ease existed between him and Sebastian was missing in his fellow classmates. His efforts to socialize with them were always aborted as the conversation veered back to sports he didn’t play, or who-liked-who, and who the prettiest girl in the fifth grade was.

Quinn, undisputedly, held the title. Everyone said so. But, somehow, when he agreed it lead to teasing and the two of them being escorted to the back corner of the playground, hidden from the teacher’s view and shaded by trees. Their classmates hovered just out of ear-shot as he became queasier and queasier and she looked increasingly annoyed and unimpressed. In a moment of pity she had taken his trembling, clammy hand and tried to pull him closer. He had let himself be pulled, practically tumbling into her as he concentrated on the branches dancing overhead.

“Why won’t you kiss me? Don’t you think I’m pretty?” she had pouted.

“You're gorgeous,” Blaine had rushed to assure her. And then, in a nonsensical moment of panic whispered, “but the squirrels will see.”

In Sebastian’s retelling of the story, she had slapped him. In reality she had just yanked her hand out of his so fast that he actually did lose his balance and go crashing into her. Her angered shriek still haunted some of his nightmares.

After that the rumors started.

He didn't even actually think Quinn was pretty.

He was weird.

He played with dolls and wore his mother’s clothes.

And finally, the whispered,  _he must be gay_.

All the rumors, of course, somehow managed to stay carefully away from Sebastian.  _Let him have his pet_ , they said. (Sebastian’s pet becoming the least offensive thing Blaine was called.)  _Maybe he can straighten him out_.

Their words lashed themselves to his skin and burrowed down to his bones but it was easy to let them sink in without a fight. Easy to stand in the onslaught and absorb all of their sneering condemnation.

It was easy because, deep down, he knew it was true.

* * *

Of all the places in the world where Blaine wanted to spend his time, Sebastian’s room definitely topped the list. His bed, in particular. It was even bigger than Blaine’s parents and the most comfortable place he had ever laid; the mattress, pillows, and duvet made you feel like you were floating on a cloud.

“Down. All of it,” Sebastian had informed him, the first time he sank into its heavenly depths. “The only problem is...” He reached over to pluck a stray feather out of Blaine’s curls. “You’re in a never ending battle with feathers.”

Blaine wasn’t entirely sure that they weren’t too old to be sprawling across the bed together, limbs tangling as the fought over who would have to use the controller with sticky keys and which of Sebastian’s endless options of video games they would play.

Sometimes, when Blaine stopped to think about it, he felt like it was too much… too  _intimate_  somehow.

 _Just another sign he was different_ , he told himself because Sebastian never seemed to have a problem with it. When video games turned into movie watching, they always started on different sides of the bed and somehow, Sebastian always ended up crowding Blaine by the end.

Of course, Sebastian turned movie watching into an Activity in and of itself. Flinging his body as though he was actually in the explosion and jumping at pivotal moments. It was always a bit of a surprise that he ended anywhere but the floor.

A braver boy than Blaine would have stopped being his friend and left Sebastian alone when he realized. But Blaine Anderson was not brave, if anything he was a selfish coward. He was willing to ruin his friend’s life and reputation if it meant he wouldn’t have to be alone. 

For all that Blaine struggled to get along with his peers, he hated being alone. 

But he was foolish to think that his Realization (or maybe just realization. Lower case r because part of him had always known) wouldn't change things between him and his only friend. 

It had already created a gap. Not wide, but deep. A seemingly insurmountable chasm between gay Blaine and straight Sebastian. For all the similarities and middle ground they had found, the hours of video games and making up stupid dance routines to whatever song was being overplayed on the radio, there was always going to be this. This one, fundamental difference. 

But Blaine never said anything, just told himself not to feel that awkward swooping sensation in the pit of his stomach at the way heat from Sebastian’s skin radiated onto his as their legs bumped together. He was old enough to understand that there was something wrong with him and he was lucky to be Sebastian’s friend.

He knew that the only reason Sebastian had even talked to him was because Ms. Ramsay had asked him to be Blaine’s buddy as Blaine navigated his way around his new school. And despite all his weirdness and references to outdated television shows and musicals, Sebastian had liked him enough to still want to be friends with him even after Blaine was acclimated.

To say anything felt, somehow, like a betrayal, although he couldn’t quiet articulate what it was that he was betraying.

* * *

As the end of the school year approached, Blaine felt the chasm growing. All anyone could talk about was the upcoming formal, their first ever, hosted by a local Rotary Club. All the girls were aflutter as they talked about what dresses they were going to wear and what boys they might dance with and all the boys looked a little sick whenever any of the girls looked at them.

Blaine’s interest in the event was minimal. His mother expected him to go, and he was excited about his new suit, but he doubted that formal wear was enough to make him and his classmates suddenly get along.

He only pretended to be interested because it seemed like something Sebastian would like.

But Sebastian didn’t want to talk to him about. Or talk to him much at all. Whenever their conversation drifted away from whatever game they were playing or what snacks they were going to eat, Sebastian’s face tightened and his words dried up.

It was obvious that the other kids at school had finally got to him. Or that Sebastian reached the same conclusion on his own. Even if he couldn’t name it, he was starting to realize that there was something off about Blaine.

Sometimes Blaine wondered if he could just bring himself to surmount the insurmountable, if Sebastian would forgive Blaine this oddity too.

He could never quite bring himself to ask.

* * *

It took half the dance for Sebastian’s soccer friends to convince Sebastian to dance with Quinn.

For the rest of the night they were inseparable.

* * *

In the weeks after the dance, Blaine and Sebastian spent less and less time together. So Blaine was surprised when Sebastian invited him to spend the night three weeks into summer vacation.

He was even more surprised when all the awkwardness of recent weeks melted away.

The Smythe’s had bought new camping tents and let Sebastian set one up in their backyard for them to spend the night in. They stuffed themselves on soda, pizza, and candy and swapped ghost stories that started out as scary, but got increasingly funny as the night went on.

By the time Mrs. Smythe shouted out to them to keep it down because the neighbors were sleeping, things felt like they always had between them.

They settled into their sleeping bags, the lantern glowing dimly in between them, kept on for the night _just in case_. The canvas of the two person tent swayed with the gentle breeze. Outside the crickets chirped and the occasional owl hooted but everything else was still and silent. There was no sound of cars, no shrieks of children, or barking of dogs.  
  
"Blaine?" Sebastian whispered into the still night air. "You still awake?"

"Yeah," Blaine mumbled back. He had been somewhere on the cusp of sleeping, thoughts alternating between startling clear and drowsy and confused. He rolled onto his stomach and pillowed his arms under his chin.

"I have to tell you something." Sebastian didn't move. Didn't look over to see if Blaine was actually listening or if he had just gone back to sleep. "But you can't tell anybody."

"You know I won't." Blaine had kept every secret Sebastian had ever told him, from the time he cheated on his math test, to breaking his mother's crystal vase, to what Sebastian's dad really did when he went on 'business trips.' Whether Sebastian told him intentionally or the words slipped out through his mask of sarcastic, often-false bravado, Blaine had never even thought about uttering a word to anyone.

The silence grew between them, the raggedness of Sebastian's breathing the only thing telling Blaine that he hadn't just fallen asleep.

He bit his tongue, wanting to press for more. But if there was one thing to make sure that Sebastian didn't say anything, it was making him feel like he was forced to say something. Sebastian always needed to feel like he was in control, that he was calling all the shots and the entire world around him was orchestrated to his whims. Megalomania, Cooper called it with a shake of his head. But Blaine had seen the way Sebastian's eyes widened in panic and his body froze when things spun out of control and he didn’t care what it was called, he just never wanted to see Sebastian look that way.

"You can tell me anything," Blaine coaxed, voice almost less than a whisper. He felt like a hypocrite, telling Sebastian that he could tell him anything when he was keeping his own secrets.

The whispering rustle of the sleeping bag indicated that Sebastian had rolled over. Blaine felt his friend's eyes boring into him but he didn't move. Stayed laying on his stomach, looking straight ahead. Kept his breathing even and steady.

"You know how the guys say things?" Sebastian said at last. "About other guys? Especially the ones they don't like."

Blaine was more than familiar with the wide variety of things 'the guys' said about the people they didn't like. "I guess. I don't really talk to them much," he said. He let one shoulder rise up in a dismissive shrug, knowing all too well some things that the guys said about other guys.

"I know it's wrong," Sebastian changed track fast enough that Blaine's mind floundered at the leap. "It has to be. The way they talk about it, and my parents. But it doesn't feel wrong." His voice grew louder in clear frustration.

"What doesn't?" Blaine's heart beat faster in his chest at his friend's distress.

"When you're doing something wrong, you can feel it. Like taking money from Dad's wallet when he leaves it on the counter. Or stealing all the recorders from the music room so we don't have to listen to Brenda fail at playing."

Blaine bit down on the urge to ask if it really was Sebastian who had done that. The great recorder heist had happened before Blaine moved, but it was still talked about and Mr. Craydon was still swearing he would suspend whoever was involved.

"I don't want to kiss Quinn Fabray. Or any of the other stupid girls," Sebastian finally admitted, each word dragging its way out of his mouth and dropping between them like it had a lead weight attached to it. "I think I might like boys."

Blaine's heart stopped and started. Stopped again and it took him sucking in a lungful of air for it to start again.

"If you tell anyone, I'll make your life miserable," Sebastian growled, having taken Blaine's reaction as a negative one. At once he tried to hunch in one himself while simultaneously trying to be as imposing as possible.

In seconds, Blaine was out of his sleeping bag and crouching in front of Sebastian. His legs were shaking and his hands flapping between them, wanting to reach out and touch him but afraid of what would happen if he did. His entire body felt cold and the tent suddenly seemed claustrophobically small. "I know what you mean," he heard himself say, "about it not feeling wrong. It just… feels." 

Slowly, Sebastian unwound himself.

"Sometimes," Blaine admitted, "it can even feel nice." He thought about how Jerimiah, a cute boy two grades above them, had laughed at one of his jokes on the bus the other day. How his face had heated up and his stomach had swooped and, for the rest of the day he couldn't keep the smile from his face.

"Sometimes," Sebastian echoed. "But," he worried his bottom lip between his teeth, "everyone else says its wrong."

"I think it's like my bow ties." Ever since he had accepted that he maybe probably really did like boys the way he was supposed to like girls, Blaine had spent a lot of time thinking about what it was that made the other kids make it sounds like such a bad thing. He refused to believe that it was just blind malice because he always wanted to see the best in people.

"Your bow ties?" Scoffed Sebastian incredulously.

"Because," Blaine continued, unbothered by his friend's skepticism, "no one else really likes them. And people make fun of them a lot. Because they just aren't their thing. But they make me happy. So it's okay that I wear them. Even though everyone else thinks their dumb."

"I like your bow ties. And your parents don't think they're dumb," Sebastian pointed out. "They don't think all the bow ties in the world should be burned and sent to Hell."

"No. But my mom really hates silk flowers. And my dad thinks there's a special circle of hell for people who drive their sports cars under the speed limit." He shrugged. "Everyone has something."

"Or many things." Sebastian thought about his own mother and the tirades she could go on about pretty much anything.

Leaning his weight back, Blaine let his body fall from his crouched position so he was sitting on the ground. Stretching his legs out, his hands idly rubbed the ache from his knees.

"So," Sebastian asked carefully, "does that mean you're…"

"Gay?" Supplied Blaine. He laughed, half kind and half self-deprecatingly bitter, "I think so." It was the first time he had ever said it aloud but the confession didn't come with the rushing relief he thought it would. Instead the truth settled hot and heavy in his stomach where it twisted in his gut and infused itself to him.

"Everyone says we're too young to know." Sebastian's hands had found their way to his and his fingers danced soothing spirals across Blaine's palms. "But I do." He glared defiantly upwards.

"Do you think we're the only ones?" For months Blaine had been sure he was the only one. That he would go through middle school and high school alone in his secret. He had never even entertained the idea that there might be others like him in their little square of Ohio.

Sebastian's pensive frown turned into a grin. "The only ones who will have the balls to come out. But Trent was in charge of music for warm-ups and when he put the CD in the first song on it was Cher." He laughed gleefully. "Of course, he took it out immediately and claimed it was his sister's."

"I like Cher."

Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Of course you do."

"And you don't?" Blaine raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE?" He belted out. "I CAN FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAYING-"

"Shh!" Sebastian's hands shot out a clamped around Blaine's mouth. "Unless you want the Gregsons to call the cops on us. They still haven't forgiven me for ruining their tulip bed." With another warning glare he let his hands drop back to his sides.

Blaine managed to sit still for a minute before his body started rocking back and forth. " _What am I supposed to do, sit around and wait for you?"_ He sang, although at a much lower volume. _"And I can't do that. There's no turning back."_

Sebastian sighed. "I'm going to sleep," he grumbled, pulling his sleeping bag and pillow over his head.

Blaine was already on his feet, side-stepping and twirling around the tent as he hummed. "Dance with me, Seb."

"If you fall on me," Sebastian threatened, "I'll tell Cooper what really happened to his baseball cards."

Blaine took one more bounding leap before falling to his knees next to Sebastian's head. “You’re not fun.”

Sebastian let out a loud fake snore. Grumbling, Blaine crawled back into his sleeping bag.

“Hey, Seb?” Blaine whispered. “I’m really glad you’re my friend.”

Sebastian stopped snoring and his hand crept across the tent floor in search of Blaine’s. “Me too,” he whispered back, lacing their hands together. “Me too.”


End file.
